Thursday, December 10, 2009

Tiger Woods Might Be A Dunce If...

Listen to the audio of Tiger Woods' frantic cell phone call to Mistress number whatever, Jaimee Grubbs after his wife discovered he's a cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater and hit the green black with his very own golf clubs; oops upside the head!

Everybody's talking about Tiger-the-Tyger.  He's all over the television all day long.  You already know why, right?  Of course you do.  What you many not know though, is why I think he's a dunce and needs to sit in the corner for a while.   

Tyger Woods

We've all seen the "You Might Be Ghetto If" list and Jeff Foxworthy's ever popular,  "You Might Be A Redneck If" list.  Well, here's my list!  Check it out and let's see if we can figure this thing out together.  Is Tiger Woods a dunce or not?  He just might be?  Who knew?!

"Tiger Woods Might Be A Dunce If..."

  1. Tiger-the-Tyger might be a dunce if he picked up a woman at the local I-Hop restaurant in any ‘hood-near-you.
  2. Tiger-the-Tyger might be a dunce if he left a message on Jaimee Grubbs' answering machine, saying, "I need you to do me a huge favor. Um… Can you pl-leeeease uh… take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and uh… may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off it and um… just have it as a number on your voicemail. Just have it as your uh… telephone number. Okay? You've gotta' do this for me. Huge. Quickly"
  3. Tiger-the-Tyger might be a dunce if he cheated on his wife with porn star, Holly Sampson and thought, "WHEW! I finally found a chick I can be with who won't sell our story for the money! YES!"
  4. Tiger-the-Tyger might be a dunce if he thought the odds were in his favor if he only cheated with ten women because that's his lucky number. "Frosted Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious!"
  5. Tiger-the-Tyger might be a dunce if he thinks dating Black women is just way too much drama! "They always want to argue, have way too much lip-service, are always snooping around in your cell phone, swinging bats, skillets, pots, and pans golf clubs… Got the cops coming to your house. You lose endorsement deals and then there's…"
  6. Tiger-the-Tyger might be a dunce if he left his REAL name on a top secret voicemail message to Jamie Grubbs.
  7. Tiger-the-Tyger might be a dunce if he had sex without condoms. DUH!
  8. Tiger-the-Tyger might be a dunce if he sent email to Rachel Uchitel! Written text, you can't deny! Here's what he wrote, "I know it's brutal on you that you can't be with me all the time. I get it. It f***ing kills me, too. I finally found someone I connect with, someone I have never found like this. Not even at home. You want someone to witness your life. I want you to lay next to me, lay on me or where ever you want to lay.  F***.  Why didn't we find each other years ago. We wouldn't be having this conversation."
  9. Tiger-the-Tyger might be a dunce if he thought his mistresses were nice ladies who loved him for who he is. Perhaps they spotted him from across a crowded room and thought, "Wow, who is that cool looking dude? I would really like to get to know him. Does anyone know who he is?" It's quite obvious that at least one of the many mistresses wasn't always on the up-and-up. Tiger emailed Rachel Uchitel, "I thought I was getting to know you, but it feels like I'm just another person who happens to be famous. Every time I think about it, I get a lump in my throat. Some of the other parts of your past really get to me. I don't know what person I was falling for so hard. The one I got to know on the phone, e-mail, text and in person. Or the one who likes famous people. I am so confused, because what my brain is saying and what my heart is saying are two different things. Is it the Rachel I know or the character? That's what's hard. It guts me to think I've fallen for the wrong one."
  10. Tiger-the-Tyger might be a dunce if he ever keeps his golf clubs in the house again! 

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